Jay Leiderman
By: Jay Leiderman
August 25 2016

Avoid the pitfalls of hiring the wrong attorney; learn how to hire a great criminal defense lawyer

Encountering the criminal justice system can be one of the most challenging and stressful periods of your life.  Selecting the right criminal defense lawyer for yourself or a friend or family member can be one of the most difficult parts of any criminal investigation, arrest or charges. Likewise, it stands out as easily the most vital. It is important that you locate a skillful and respectable lawyer whom you can trust to work with during. There are a few things to consider when searching for a lawyer.  After reading these 7 tips, you should be ready to hire a great criminal defense lawyer!

hire a great criminal defense attorney
Navigating the maze of lawyers available to hire for a criminal case can be tricky



  1. Be Cautious about “Top Search Results” and Flashy Marketing

Many internet marketing companies tell lawyers that they will “guarantee their website to be on the first page of Google.”

An internet search simply won’t do.  Lawyers today pay for something called “SEO” or Search Engine Optimization.  What SEO does is it tricks the Google ranking program, known as its algorithm, into putting their site at or near first.  It is the same as when lawyers used to name their practices AAA Legal Services just so that they could be at the front of the Yellow Pages.  Whether a lawyer’s page comes up high in a google search tells you nothing about their skill.  In fact, if they need to push their website up in search results – watch out!   They may not have the skill or reputation to get clients any other way!

Try not to be attracted by garish promoting plans or guarantees of some achievement. In fact, criminal defense lawyers are prohibited by ethics rules from guaranteeing any result.  Be suspicious of any lawyer who ensures you a particular result in a criminal case.  Consider this: In Ventura, California, if you plead guilty to a DUI, you get one of the two charges dismissed.  In fact, some lawyers advertise that they GUARANTEE they can get a charge dismissed for you.  Well of course they can!  You could get the charge dismissed by representing yourself!  Accordingly, be wary of guarantees.  A lawyer’s work and effort should speak for itself.

Be careful about lawyers who need a lot of cash in advance to handle a case just through beginning procedures.  Fees should be laid out in advance and are required to be in writing if the total value of the contract is expected to exceed $1,000.00.  A lawyer is required to give you a copy of this contract.

Don’t just use Google to search for “criminal defense lawyers” or “criminal lawyers” or “medical marijuana defense attorneys in Ventura.”  Once you find a few that you may be interested in calling, google their names separately.  Does more than their website show up?  Do you see State Bar Discipline?  Are their positive or negative reviews?  Is there even MORE advertising?

Legal cases often attract media attention.  Typically any lawyer that has practiced for a few years will have some newspaper articles about his or her cases.  Read them.  Winning or losing is not necessarily important, it is how strong the defense was.  Some cases have confessions, video evidence and strong witnesses.  So look in the article for how hard the defense fought, or if they were creative, or whether they got a good sentence for the client.

After a full internet search, you should have cut through much of the flash and are ready to dive into the substance.  You’ve now completed the first step in how to hire a great criminal defense lawyer.

 2. Specialist Agencies/Bar affiliations

First, you can look for a lawyer who practices in the particular field that you need.  There are Criminal Law Specialists, as certified by the State Bar of California’s Board of Legal Specialization.  These lawyers have passed an additional test and have been subject to review by Judges, prosecutors, their peers and a review panel.  Often you will determine that this is the best attorney for you, as they are backed by the State Bar.

Some lawyers handle all manner of cases and only do criminal defense sometimes.  Sometimes, a lawyer will say he or she  represents criminal defendants but has not handled a criminal case in years – – or ever!

If you are accused of a wrongdoing that could end up with you having a criminal record, you require somebody who is an accomplished and legitimate master of the courtroom. There are a few ways you can start your quest for the lawyer who will best address your issues. As mentioned above, you can go to the State Bar website and search for Certified Specialists in your area.  You can also call the local bar associations and ask for referrals to trusted counsel.

Often the best way to find a lawyer is to request a referral from someone that has used one in the past and was satisfied with the work that attorney performed.

You’ve now completed the second step in how to hire a great criminal defense lawyer.

 3. Excellent Communication Skills

Developing an attorney client relationship is the most critical part of defending your case as it progresses through the court system.  This point is simple: Does your lawyer listen to you?  Did the lawyer answer all of your questions at the first meeting?  Did he or she take time to explain how legal proceedings work and what to expect when you show up for court?  Did you discuss strategy or goals?  Will you be able to speak with the attorney, and not his or her staff, when you have a question?  How long can you expect it to take for the attorney to call you back?

Did you leave the meeting feeling rushed or were you made to feel as though your case was already important to the attorney?

Hire a great criminal defense attorney

Perhaps most importantly – will the attorney be in court for every one of your court dates, or will he or she send a “stand in”?  Will the attorney assign the case to a junior associate and not work on your case?

Moreover, do you feel as though the attorney can reasonably communicate your needs and wants to the prosecutor and judge?  Can he or she be forceful when needed and gentle when needed?

Does the attorney appear ethical?  Believe it or not, some attorneys ask clients to fabricate witnesses and testimony.  If a lawyer is willing to be dishonest with the court, the lawyer is willing to be dishonest with you.

You’ve now completed the third step in how to hire a great criminal defense lawyer.

 4.  The Lawyer’s Experience 

Some lawyers specialize in particular areas of criminal defense.  For example, some lawyers handle DUI cases exclusively.  This is great if you have a DUI, but isn’t helpful if you have an assault case.

Ask the lawyer who you are interviewing what their experience is.  Discuss other cases they have handled and what the results were.  Have they ever tried a murder case all the way through jury verdict?  That will tell you a lot about the lawyer’s experience right there.  When a lawyer has handled a murder case from beginning to end, that lawyer will often possess all the skills necessary to go to court on your case.

When was the last jury trial the lawyer did?  How many cases has the lawyer ever handled?  How many cases do they handle at any one time?  A lawyer that takes too many cases at any one time cannot give you enough attention.

You’ve now completed the fourth step in how to hire a great criminal defense lawyer.

  1. Potential expenses the case

The expense of a lawyer should be determined by how complex a case is. Lawyers will ordinarily request a retainer upfront.  It is important to ask what the fee covers and what it does not cover.  Most felony retainers, for example, cover the period from arraignment to a preliminary hearing and a second contract with a second retainer is often needed for the period from the preliminary hearing through trial.   Criminal case are ordinarily charged by a flat fee, meaning that there is no hourly charge.  Be careful, as some lawyers charge an initial flat fee and then try to charge an hourly fee thereafter.  This will add great expense to the case.

Some lawyers charge a fee from the beginning of the case to the beginning of trial or even through trial.  This is the standard for misdemeanor cases, but it tends to be a great bonus if you can secure that contract in a felony case.  It shows that the lawyer has a commitment to the case that will endure past the initial stages.

Perhaps the most important thing to note is this: Lawyers that advertise heavily and are much cheaper than other lawyers tend to have so many cases that they cannot spend enough time on your case, nor can they give your case the attention it deserves.  Beware of this.  In law, as in other areas, you get what you pay for.  Your criminal defense lawyer may be the most important expenditure of money you ever make.  Cutting corners on costs may cost you more in terms of your freedom than the money savings is worth.

You’ve now completed the first step in how to hire a great criminal defense lawyer.

  1. The Consultation Process

It is best to have a face to face meeting to figure out whether you feel comfortable with the lawyer. Meet the legal counselor and see if you can trust in his or her abilities.  Ask about a plan for your case.  Discuss your goals.  It is always wise to meet with more than one lawyer to ensure you are selecting the best one for you.

Hiire a great criminal defense attorney

One thing that is important to look out for is a lawyer that oversells himself or herself.  Some lawyers claim to be ex-District Attorneys and profess to have a special relationship with the prosecution.  First, this implies that special “favors” are done behind the scenes.  This simply isn’t the case.  Moreover, it is a direct statement that prosecutors are “crooked.”  They can lost their jobs by doing “favors” for lawyers.  Simply put, no one gets special treatment simply because of an out of court friendship with a prosecutor.

Worse yet, some lawyers claim that because they know the judges that they will get you a special deal.  Once again, this implies that judges are “crooked” and that they are willing to risk their careers to do a favor on every case just because they know  an attorney.  That simply isn’t the case.

Additionally, once a lawyer has been around a courthouse long enough, they know all the judges and prosecutors anyway.  The idea that judges would do one person a favor isn’t well taken in that if judges and prosecutors do a favor for one person they are likely to do it for everyone they have come to know well over the years.  Accordingly, taking this to its logical conclusion, judges and prosecutors would be doing favors on every case for everyone that they are friends with.  That is a ridiculous idea.  It simply isn’t true.

Beware of someone that claims that they will get special favors.

Another thing to consider is that ex-prosecutors used to try to lock defendants up.  Lawyers that have been defense attorneys their whole careers have never worked to incarcerate individuals accused of crimes. Why would you hire someone who at one time worked hard to jail someone for the very crime for which you or your loved one is now being accused? Is that person one who believes in you and your case? Do they truly care about your rights? Did they care about them when they used to tell the judge to lock someone just like you up?

You’ve now completed the sixth step in how to hire a great criminal defense lawyer.

  1. Make sure to impart your data to Lawyer

Once you tell your lawyer what you believe the facts are in your particular case, ask the lawyer how he or she would approach your case.  Together, you should try to find out as much information as you can to gain the best result.  This will often mean gathering witnesses and documents, as well as other data.  Is your lawyer familiar with changing technology?  Many cases today can be won by using computers and technology to prove a defendant not guilty of a crime.  Using technology is often part of developing a creative defense that may win your case.

The more data you can offer a criminal defense attorney, the more precisely the legal counselor can offer to speak to you.

In a nutshell it is safe to say make an effort not to rush the choice of a lawyer. Find the best attorney you can.  Give yourself an opportunity to think about your choices. You ought to feel comfortable with the lawyer’s experience, reputation and your ability to communicate with him or her. That way you can be confident that your lawyer can get you the best result for your case.



Rachel Stinson Dubai Legal Blog tips for selecting criminal defense attorneys lawyers
Blogger Rachel Stinson

About The Author

Rachel Stinson has always had a knack for writing, food, fashion, and travel. Blogging has combined all four for her with an added bonus of bringing her enthusiastic audiences. Lately she has been working with Dubai law firms where she expresses her opinions in an unhesitating, engaging manner for all types of legal matters about Law Firms in Dubai like AlHanaee, for example.  This is her first foray into blogging about American lawyers, and she has partnered with Jay Leiderman Law to bring the reader helpful information about how to select the right criminal lawyer.


(Photo credits: Shutterstock)


  1. I am interested to increase my knowledge about criminal defense attorneys. After reading the article, I understand that the expense of the lawyer depends on the complexity of the case. Another thing to look at would be hiring someone who is genuine and really there to help.

  2. My cousin is having charges brought up against her. I have been trying to help her find a good defence attorney. I really like the idea of finding a lawyer that has handled similar cases.

  3. Your third tip is something that I think is really important. Communicating well is very important, especially when you remember that a lawyer is supposed to be your advocate. I happen to be the kind of person that has a hard time developing relationships quickly with strangers, so I will be paying close attention to your tips. Thank you for all of the applicable legal advice!

  4. I think that it is important to have a good lawyer no matter your situation, but I think that it is extremely crucial in the cases of criminal activity. I like the tip you give of looking for a lawyer who has great communication skills and takes the time to explain details to you. It would probably also be wise to find someone who has reliable reviews and testimonials from former clients.

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  11. My brother needs to get a criminal defense attorney. Thanks for the advice about finding a lawyer who practices in the specific field that you need. Another thing to consider is finding a lawyer that you get along with.

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  16. I like the recommendation to make sure the lawyer doesn’t oversell him or herself. I think this could be a good way of making sure they are able to deliver on things they say. It’s definitely something I’ll have to remember when looking to hire an attorney as I don’t want to have any surprises or disappointments. Thanks for the post!

  17. I loved your fourth point about finding someone that specifically deals with your type of case. I have found out that those who specialize tend to do better. I’m trying to find a local traffic violation lawyer.

  18. As to point one about SEO, it is true that advertising does not equal a good attorney. I got sold on an attorney that I saw on page one of Google and it was terrible. Word of mouth and personal recommendation is the way to go and THEN you look at the website and GOOGLE INDEPENDENTLY! OF course their website is going to say how great they are. But reviews and articles about their cases are what count!

    I see that Jay Leiderman has several articles about his work: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jay_Leiderman




  19. Since the purpose of a business is to make money, it would behoove the lawyer to do so. Watch out for SEO advertising. I agree – word of mouth and google to make sure they have a solid reputation.

  20. I like what this article recommends about focusing on the lawyer’s experience. I think it could be beneficial to have a lawyer who specializes and has a lot of practice in one area of practice. It’s something to keep in mind in case I ever find myself needing a lawyer to help with a case. Thanks for the post!

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  25. Thank you for sharing valuable information. I am glad to know about these things. This advice should help in finding a good lawyer. Presently I am having services from vethanlaw. I had excellent experience with them. I would highly recommend this to anyone for their service.

  26. All lawyers are crooks and have been for time eternal. Represent yourself. Caveman lawyer from Saturday Night Live is the most accurate portrayal of a lawyer that there is.

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  28. My brother needs to get a criminal defense attorney. I agree that you should get an attorney that is experienced in the area that you need such as DUI. Something else to consider is to get an attorney that you like and get along with.

  29. I totally agree with communication being a key indicator of a good attorney! Proper and clear communication between attorney and defendant is vital. You want to make sure you’re both on the same page, and that all the details of the case are on the table. I really love that you mention noticing if you felt your case was important to the attorney. You won’t feel comfortable or confident in your case if your attorney does not seem to care about your case.

  30. I am happy to have found this information concerning criminal defense attorneys. It is good to know that excellent communication skills should be an attribute that a good lawyer should possess. The attorney should be willing to listen. Something else to consider would be to find a lawyer that has dealt with cases similar to yours to know that he or she is well experienced.

  31. Jay, I really like that you mention choosing someone with “excellent communication skills.” You make a good point about how the attorney-client relationship is the most crucial part of defending your case. Since criminal cases usually take time, I would want to make sure I hire someone I cam comfortable around and can get along with. My sister was recently arrested, so I will have to remind her to choose an attorney who she can feel comfortable with.

  32. I appreciate what you said about searching for any news articles and reports about the past cases a criminal defense attorney has defended in order to see how strong their defense was. I’ve never thought of that before! I’ve heard that it’s impossible for defense attorneys to have a 100% win rate, is that true? Thanks for the tips! I’ll be using them the next time I’m in need of a defense attorney.

  33. I really liked your advice to consider the lawyer’s experience. There are a lot of people that don’t understand how someone’s experience can make a difference when it comes to a case. Do you have any other tips about finding a good lawyer for a criminal defense case? I’m really trying to find a good one for my case, but I don’t know where to begin my search.

  34. Tip number 4 is by far the most important. A lawyers experience in the court room is the key to wiining a case. My go-to firm is Schiller and Pittenger. They have loads of experience and serve all over New Jersey and New York.

  35. My sister is going to trial soon and our biggest concern is hiring a lawyer that can help her get the best possible outcome. I like how you suggest to find an attorney that has excellent communication skills. I know my sister is nervous about going to trial and having a lawyer that can let her know what’s going on and can answer all her questions will help her feel calm going into the trial.

  36. My sister is in some trouble and needs to hire an attorney that can help her out of it. I really appreciate your tip about taking into account the lawyer’s experience when you choose a lawyer. If you can find a lawyer with lots of wins on their record, I would imagine that your chances of having a favorable outcome is much better.

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  40. It’s interesting how you point out that developing an attorney client relationship is the most critical part of defending your case as it progresses through a court system. I would imagine that talking to an attorney at length before you hire them would help you figure out if you could form a good relationship with them. My little brother is looking for a criminal defense attorney because he got himself into some trouble, so I’ll have to pass this along to him.

  41. You also mention to not be attracted to the promotions or guarantees that you might come across for a criminal attorney and do your own research. You also mention choosing a lawyer that practices in the particular field that you need. I think it’s a good idea to choose a criminal lawyer that you feel comfortable around so that you can open up to them and get the best outcome possible.

  42. Communication skills really are such a big deal when it comes to hiring a criminal defense attorney — I agree with you on that! If you can find an attorney that listens to you and tries to find solutions based off of your needs, you will be much better off in the long run. My older brother is looking for a criminal defense lawyer, right now. I’ll have to help him find one that communicates with him well.

  43. Very useful article. I didn’t realize that I should be cautious of hiring a lawyer that will need a lot of money in advance. I can see why this would be something to watch out for. I think that someone wouldn’t know how much time the case will take. So, they wouldn’t know how much they’ll need to be paid.

  44. Hii,

    An experienced defense lawyer would judge the conditions and charges you are facing and give you the best advice so that you can get rid of the charges as soon as possible.

    Your post gives me some valuable information that I needed for my case. Your post is easily understandable and an the viewer can get the maximum information

  45. Association of Federal Defense Attorneys
    The Association of Federal Defense Attorneys: members have access to a newsletter, research materials, a document library, information about training, and legislative advocacy work. One day pass available for new users. Log-in allows users to contribute to the “Shout Box,” which is viewed by other members who are logged on.
    URL: http://afda.org/

  46. I agree that a good defense attorney will have good communications skills. I would imagine that finding someone who will clearly explain your case would be really important. This would probably also mean that you could find someone who is able to provide you with a faulty service.

  47. A friend of mine recently got a DUI. I didn’t realize that it is a good idea to ask the lawyer you want to hire how he or she would approach your case, I can see why this would define the good lawyer for you. I will make sure my friend knows this so h can find a good lawyer.

  48. This is some really good information about criminal defense lawyers. It does seem like a good idea to do good research and not just go with the first lawyer on a google search. It might also help you find a lawyer who fits better with you.

  49. It makes sense that you would want to get a good lawyer. This is especially true if you got pulled over for something like DUI. It’s important to ensure that your sentence isn’t too punishing!

  50. I appreciate the tips on hiring a good criminal defense lawyer. I agree that you have to be cautious about hiring just the top search results when you google it, just because they are at the top it doesn’t mean they are automatically the best. My good friend got a DUI and is looking for an attorney, I will be sure to share this with him.

  51. I agree that when you are looking for a DUI lawyer you would need someone with excellent communication skills. I would imagine that this would allow you to be able to discuss your case clearly and allow you to get good results. My sister in law is looking for a defense lawyer so she’ll have to remember to pick one with good communication skills.

  52. I’m so glad you talked about communication skills. I guess I never realized just how important the lawyer-client relationship is, but you helped me see that it is a must. Open communication is better for everyone. You must know what is going on with your case, and your lawyer has to know the details of what happened. I’ll have to help my sister find a lawyer that is good at communicating with her — she is not so good at doing it on her own.

  53. I agree that a lawyer’s experience should influence your decision when hiring defense counsel. I would imagine that it would be important to find someone who is experienced in criminal defense cases to represent you. My sister is in some legal trouble so when she finds a defense lawyer she’ll have to find someone who is very experienced to represent her.

  54. I agree that when it comes to getting referrals it ios best to ask someone who has gone through the same process you are facing. I can see how this would not only help you get a good lawyer but it would also help the lawyer get more people to help. I would want to have a couple of options and then pick the best lawyer to help me with my case.

  55. That’s very interesting that some attorneys will ask clients to fabricate witnesses and testimony. I’ve heard that the best attorneys, however, are dedicated to telling the truth and being honest with you and with the court. I’ll have to keep this information in mind if I ever need to hire a criminal defense attorney.

  56. Nice piece of valuable information here. Thank you for sharing. Just to add up, word-of-mouth referrals are not a lost way to find an attorney. Speak to your Facebook friends, business acquaintances, and family to see if anyone has been represented by a lawyer who works in personal Injury law. You may be surprised at the amount of referrals you get.


  57. My sister needs to get an attorney to help her in a DUI case. Getting an attorney that is experienced and specializes in a particular area is a smart idea so that you can get the best help possible. My suggestion would be to get an attorney that you are comfortable with and like, so that you are more likely to trust them and follow their advice.

  58. Thanks for the information about criminal defense lawyers. I like how you pointed out that excellent communication skills are a must. If I were working with a lawyer, I would want them to listen to me, no matter what.

  59. Thank you for all this great information about choosing a criminal defense attorney. One thing that really stood out to me is that you say to ask the lawyer about their experience. It would be nice to know that they have worked with others that have had similar cases to your own.

  60. Love your list. I’d say that it’s definitely true to avoid an attorney who tries to tell you he can buy you the moon and more, etc. You want someone who will give you the lowdown on what you can really expect from your case.

  61. I agree that it’s important that you find a criminal defense lawyer that has great communication skills. This is important not only for the case, but for you to feel like you can trust your lawyer. You should feel like you can communicate your concerns and expectations clearly which helps both you and your lawyer.

  62. I like your tip to have a face to face meeting. That way you can see first hand what lawyer can do for you. My friend is getting a DUI and I’ll be sure to tell him to look for a lawyer.

  63. I believe finding a lawyer that has great communication skills is very important to consider when hiring a lawyer. You should want a lawyer that is able to explain how the legal process works for your particular case. If such a serious situation as a criminal court case, you should feel comfortable with what’s going around you, and hiring a well communicating lawyer will do that.

  64. This was an awesome and helpful article.Thank you very much to everyone who contributed their advice and knowledge.

  65. Jason Scott “Jay” Leiderman[citation needed] (born April 12, 1971)[1] is an American criminal defense lawyer based in Ventura, California. The Atlantic Magazine called Leiderman the “Hacktivist’s Advocate”[2] for his work defending hacker-activists accused of computer crimes, or so-called (“Hacktivism”)[3] especially people associated with Anonymous.

  66. Leiderman “keeps an encrypted chat app open at all times so he can dispense ad hoc pro bono legal advice to members of Anonymous” [1] Buzzfeed called Leiderman “The Maserati-Driving Deadhead Lawyer Who Stands Between Hackers And Prison” and stated he was “A medical marijuana and criminal defense lawyer from Southern California [who] has made himself into the country’s leading defender of hackers.”

  67. He was named to the top 100 criminal defense lawyers by the National Trial Lawyers [11] and the top 10% of criminal defense lawyers in the US by Lawyers of Distinction

  68. “Leiderman spends much of his time defending the kinds of clients Matlock might turn down on a good day and keeping Ventura’s marijuana professionals out of trouble.”

  69. Other noteworthy cases Leiderman defended include People v. Diaz, which went to the California Supreme Court and made law on the ability of police to search a cell phone,

  70. Louis Gonzalez, who was falsely accused of rape, attempted murder and torture by the mother of his child[17] and was jailed for 83 days before he was released and ultimately found factually innocent,

  71. Leiderman did the Andrew Luster or so-called Max Factor heir habeas corpus proceeding, wherein his sentence was reduced by 74 years

  72. Leiderman was lead attorney in the first-ever trial of medical marijuana defendants in San Luis Obispo County, California County. THe trial took three weeks, the not guilty verdicts too less than three hours.

  73. Leiderman represented the lead defendant in Ventura County, California’s first concentrated Mexican Mafia prosecution

  74. Leiderman was the lead trial attorney for Jonathan Koppenhaver, also known as War Machine (mixed martial artist) Koppenhaver was accused of savagely beating and raping his girlfriend, porn star Christy Mack.

  75. “Within a year at the [Ventura County Public Defender’s Office], Leiderman had graduated from misdemeanors to murders and three-strike cases. He sought out a series of cases defending the homeless, successfully challenging an open-container law that was frequently used to round up Ventura’s large indigent population and getting a raft of misdemeanor illegal camping charges — also used as a weapon against the homeless — thrown out so decisively it led to an internal city review.

  76. “It pissed me off, it was a horrific injustice, and it was the right thing to do,” Leiderman said.”

  77. “Leiderman’s years at the VCPDO coincided with the passage of California’s medical marijuana statute, and the young lawyer started taking possession for sales and illegal cultivation cases. By the time he opened a private practice, in 2007, Leiderman had become something of an expert in state and county compliance laws. In addition to defending clients from marijuana-related criminal charges, Leiderman also advises medical marijuana collectives, teaching them the law, writing up their contracts and articles of association, and waiting on retainer for run-ins with the police.”

  78. Leiderman co-authored a book on the legal defense of California medical marijuana crimes, which was published by NORML, the National Organization For the Reform of Marijuana Laws[27] Leiderman has “some pretty deep connections with Ventura County’s medicinal cannabis community”

  79. Leiderman is also a founding member of the Whistleblower’s Defense League,[28] “formed to combat what they describe as the FBI and Justice Department’s use of harassment and over-prosecution to chill and silence those who engage in journalism, Internet activism or dissent.”

  80. Leiderman used the phrase “tin foil as reality” when describing the ever encroaching surveillance state.

  81. Leiderman’s “two most salient features, extremely blue eyes and extremely shrewd eyebrows, in combination with his cherubic face, gave Leiderman the aspect of a man perpetually on the verge of a wonderful prank.”

  82. Leiderman is a fan of the Grateful Dead and Punk Rock. He has seen the Grateful Dead 164 times [prior to Jerry Garcia’s death].

  83. Per Tor Ekeland, another prominent hacker attorney and sometimes co-counsel to Leiderman, Leiderman is “a “street-smart trial lawyer” who was “extraordinarily quick on his feet.”

  84. “Leiderman is very much a defense attorney’s defense attorney. “It is my duty under the constitution to represent these clients,” he wrote in an email. He has even, with some acrobatics, figured out a way to fold these cases into his civil libertarian worldview.

  85. “I am what stands between the police state and the tyranny of ever encroaching government. If we abandon the ugliest of the cases, before we know it we’re back to sending people to prison for a joint.”

  86. Leiderman graduated from the University of Michigan in 1993 and University of San Francisco School of Law in 1999.

  87. “He showed up for classes at the University of San Francisco Law School … with hair halfway down his back, and left in 1999 as the class president. He applied to public defender jobs around the country, and picked Ventura because of the weather.”

  88. “Meet The Maserati-Driving Deadhead Lawyer Who Stands Between Hackers And Prison”. Retrieved 11 December 2016.

  89. Allnutt, Luke. “Hacktivist’s Advocate: Meet the Lawyer Who Defends Anonymous”. Retrieved 11 December 2016.

  90. A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um, no.” The lawyer interrupts, “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea.” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

  91. ‘Homeless Hacker’ Lawyer: DDoS Isn’t An Attack, It’s A Digital Sit In, Talking Points Memo (TPM) 28 September 2011

  92. A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

  93. A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick!” The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
    LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”
    POLE: “An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.”
    LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”
    POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”
    LAWYER: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”
    POLE: “No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge.”
    LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
    POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”
    LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
    POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.”
    LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”
    POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”
    LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”
    POLE: “She going to kill me!”
    LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”
    POLE: “I got proof.”
    LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”
    POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover.

  94. A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

  95. A driver caught speeding was brought before a judge. The judge asked: “Will you take thirty days or a hundred dollars?” The defendant replied: “I think I’ll take the money.”

  96. Lawyer: “Would you mind telling the jury why you shot your wife with a bow and an arrow?” Defendant: “I didn’t want to wake up the children.”

  97. Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.” Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.” Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.”

  98. A lawyer’s closing speech was dragging on into its second hour when he suddenly stopped and told the judge: “Your honor, a juror is asleep.” The judge replied: “You put him to sleep. You wake him up.”

  99. After the car accident, a large crowd gathered around. An enterprising young lawyer immediately saw a way to get rich, but could not force his way through the crowd. So seeing that he could lose a lot of money not getting a new client, he resorted to desperate measures and yelled: “Let me through! I am the son of the victim!” The crowd parted. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

  100. The multimillionaire caught his accountant stealing millions. The accountant hired a famous lawyer. That famous lawyer promised him: “You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” The lawyer turned out to be right. When the case was over and the man was in jail, the man has already spent all that money on legal fees.

  101. Two burglars were robbing a Beverly Hills mansion when they heard the police car sirens. “Quick! Jump out of the window!” said the first burglar. “But we’re on the 13th floor!” protested the second burglar. The first burglar replied: “This is no time to be superstitious!”

  102. A salesman was testifying against his wife in a divorce court. His lawyer said: “Please describe the incident that caused you to suspect your wife is unfaithful.” The husband replied: “I’m on the road all week, so naturally when I’m home I like to be with my wife. One Saturday morning we were in the middle of some very heavy sex. Then the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled: “Can you at least stop all that noise on weekends?”

  103. The bank was robbed 3 times by the same bandit in the space of 2 months. After the 3rd raid, a senior detective was brought in to question the bank teller. “Have you noticed anything distinctive about the robber?” he asked. “There is one thing.” replied the teller. “Each time he shows up, he’s better dressed.”

  104. A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.” The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

  105. A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, “What for?” The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.” “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.” The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

  106. Lawyer’s speech was moving into its 3rd hour. The he suddenly finished talking, looked at the judge, and said: “One of the jurors is asleep.” The judge replied: “You put him to sleep, you wake him up.”

  107. Two armed robbers tried to rob a lawyer’s club, but the lawyers put up such a fight the robbers had to flee. Once they made their getaway, they counted their loot. “There are good news and bad news.” said one robber to the other. “What you mean?” asked the other robber. “Well, the good news is we got away with 60 dollars. The bad news is, uh, we went there with 300 dollars. The lawyers have apparently robbed us.”

  108. Having an attorney that specializes in your field of need is critical. This can alter the outcome of your case so it pays to hire the right attorney from the start. The relationships and reputations that these attorneys have with other attorneys and the courts are extremely valuable.

  109. The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.” The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

  110. Shakespeare (“let’s kill all the lawyers”) is generally misunderstood as having advocated killing all the lawyers. In fact, the quotation comes from the play The Second Part of King Henry the Sixth. The play describes a scheme to overthrow the government, supported by irresponsible promises of free food and drink, plentiful beer, and the abolition of money. It is in this context that Dick the Butcher suggests killing all the lawyers.

  111. Question: What’s the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer?
    Answer: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

  112. A busload of lawyers going to a legal convention careened off a cliff the other day, killing all occupants. It was a terrible tragedy. There were three empty seats!

  113. Two lawyers are on a commercial flight to San Francisco when the stewardess, in a panicked voice, announces that the pilot has passed out and asks whether any of the passengers can fly. The lawyers, both of whom have their pilot’s license, rush to the cockpit.

    George takes over the controls and heads towards the nearest airport. He brings the airplane to a screeching halt, almost going over the end of the runway. “That is the shortest runway I’ve ever seen!” he shouts to Bernie. “It can’t be more than a hundred feet long!”

    “Yeah,” Bernie answers, “but it must be at least a mile wide!”

  114. Thanks to progress in medical technology, it has become possible to buy brain material from people who have died. Jane, who was born with less than her fair share of cerebral matter, enters a brain shop and inquires about prices.

    “Well,” the shopkeeper replies, “you can purchase doctors’ brains for $100 an ounce, and Ph.D.s go for $200 per ounce. Then, I’ve got lawyers’ brains for $10,000 per ounce.”

    “Ten thousand dollars per ounce!” Jane exclaimed. “Why are lawyer’s brains so expensive?”

    “Do you have any idea how many lawyers have to die before I can harvest just one ounce of brains?” the shopkeeper responded.

  115. A blind snake meets a blind rabbit. To figure out what kind of creature it has come across, the snake coils itself around the rabbit. “You’re warm and fluffy, you have long ears, strong hind legs and a cold, twitching nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!”

    “Right,” says the rabbit. “Now let me try to feel what you are.” The rabbit cuddles up next to the snake. “You’re cold, you’re slimy, and you have a forked tongue,” the rabbit says. “You must be a lawyer!”

  116. lawyers are too expensive
    they are greedy
    they are not honest
    there are too many lawyers
    lawyers are self-serving, don’t care about clients

  117. A lawyer’s VCR breaks down one day, so she calls a repair service. Within ten or fifteen minutes the repairman has the machine working again, and hands the lawyer a bill for $250.
    That works out to $1000 per hour,” the lawyer protests. “My hourly rate is high, but nothing like that!”

    “Neither was mine when I practiced law!”

  118. My lawyer is very generous; he makes large donations to every possible charity. And to prove that he doesn’t do it for the glory, he makes the gifts anonymously–he won’t even sign the checks!

  119. A corporate lawyer and Mother Teresa are stranded in the desert after their airplane crashed. A week later, a search party arrives to rescue them. The party finds the lawyer relaxing in the shade of a cactus, while Mother Teresa has shriveled up and died of thirst.

    “What happened?” they ask the lawyer. “How can you be in such great shape when Mother Teresa has died?”

    The lawyer shrugged. “I guess she never found the water hole.”

  120. It is St. Patrick’s day, and as luck would have it, Kevin comes across a leprechaun. He pounces on the leprechaun and asks to be granted his wish.

    “What might your wish be?” the leprechaun asks.

    Kevin pulls out a map of the world and points out a wide swarth of North America. “That’s what I want,” he declares.

    “That’s a rather tall order,” the leprechaun says. “And to be honest, I’m not all that experienced yet in granting wishes. Is there something else I can do for you instead?”

    Kevin ponders this for a while. “I guess I’ll settle for the name of an honest lawyer.”

    The leprechaun rolls his eyes. “Let me see that map again.”

  121. Question: Why did the state bar association make it unethical for lawyers to have sex with their clients?

    Answer: It wanted to prevent lawyers from billing twice for the same service.

  122. A law school graduate is being interviewed for a job at a prestigious downtown law firm. “Where do you hope to find yourself four or five years from now?” the hiring partner asks.

    The young man looks at this watch; it is four o’clock.

    “On the golf course,” he replies.

  123. Did you hear about the old farmer who shot his wife? He had a great lawyer who got him off the hook.

    “Be reasonable, Your Honor,” the lawyer argued during the trial. “After all, my client’s a widower!”

  124. Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

    Answer: An offer you can’t understand.

  125. After a nasty divorce case, the judge came down strongly in favor of Mrs. Smith. “This court orders that you shall be awarded $2000 per month in alimony,” the judge solemnly intoned.

    “That’s very nice of you, Your Honor,” Mr. Smith remarked. “I’ll try to chip in a few dollars now and then myself.”

  126. A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he found another golfer lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

    “I’m an attorney,” the injured man said, “and this is going to cost you at least $5000.”

    “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore’.”

    “I’ll take it!” the attorney exclaimed.

  127. A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: “In the USSR, we have the best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as what we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…”. Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle out the window.

    All the others are quite impressed.

    The Cuban opens a box of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world are there better cigars, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away…”. Saying that, he throws the box of Havanas out the window.

    One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

    The American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer out…

  128. Two Florida alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids … I just don’t get it.”

    “Well,” says the big alligator, “what have you been eating?”

    “Lawyers, same as you,” replies the small alligator.

    “Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch’em?”

    “Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.”

    “Same here. Hmmmm. How do you catch’em?”

    “Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite’em, shake the shit out of ’em, and eat’em!”

    “Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the shit out of a lawyer, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase…”

    A man walks into a bar with an alligator. “Do you serve lawyers in here?” the man inquires.

    “Sure do!” replied the bartender.

    “Great!” the man said. “I’ll have a Coors Light, and how ’bout a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

  129. I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was highlighted one day when a reminder to a client’s tenant to pay her rent or suffer eviction was transcribed as follows: “You are hereby notified that if payment is not received within five business days, I will have no choice but to commence execution proceedings.”

  130. I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which should have read “Attorney at Law” at the top of the first page.

    After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. “Must you rub it in?” he asked.

    I had typed: “Attorney at Last.”

  131. As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

    The defense attorney took a different approach, however. “I see you are a teacher,” he said. “What do you teach?”

    “English and theater,” I responded.

    “Then I guess I better watch my grammar,” the defense attorney quipped.

    “No,” I shot back. “You better watch your acting.”

    When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

  132. As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

    “Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”

    “I was in prison,” he answered. “You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.”

    “That’s not possible,” I said. “I wasn’t even a judge then.”

    “No, you weren’t the judge,” the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. “You were my lawyer.”

  133. The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.

    “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “Welcome to ‘What’s My Fine?’ “

  134. Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the University of Idaho campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class.

    Suddenly I found myself on a clean, snow-free section of walkway. This is weird, I thought— until I noticed that it was directly in front of the College of Law building.

  135. A young man I know, who recently became law clerk to a prominent New Jersey judge, was asked to prepare a suggested opinion in an important case. After working on the assignment for some time, he proudly handed in a 23-page document.

    When he got it back, he found a terse comment in the judge’s handwriting on page 7: “Stop romancing—propose already.”

  136. In Fort Worth, Texas, I was hauled before the judge for driving with expired license plates. The judge listened attentively while I gave him a long, plausible explanation.

    Then he said with great courtesy, “My dear sir, we are not blaming you—we’re just fining you.”

  137. I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. “This is where the judge sits,” I began, pointing to the bench. “The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see,” I finished, “there are a lot of people involved in making this system work.”

    At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, “Yeah, but I’m the one who makes it all happen.”

  138. While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: “Did you see the defendant at the scene?”

    “Yes, from a block away,” the officer answered.

    “Was the area well lit?”

    “No. It was pretty dark.”

    “Then how could you identify the defendant?” I asked, concerned.

    Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, “I’d recognize my cousin anywhere.”

  139. Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm’s client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.

    “He’s lying!” he yelled. “There were only three of us.”

  140. After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return with both the money for the fine and proof of community service. “That way,” she said innocently, “you can kill two birds with one stone.”

  141. When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.

    “Have you ever dealt with an attorney?” asked the plaintiff’s lawyer.

    “Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust,” she responded.

    “And how did that turn out?”

    “I don’t know,” she said. “Ask me when I’m dead.”

  142. Q: Isn’t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
    A: Yes, it is, but you can’t prove it!

  143. Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
    Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
    Judge: Is that all?
    Witness: Isn’t that enough?

  144. An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says. “Would you say you’re honest?”

    “Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

    “Dad sued me for the money.”

  145. I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.

    “Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor,” I said.

    “Linda Jones, probation officer.”

    “Sam Clark, public defender.”

    “John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”

  146. I Don’t Say “Hey” Pro Bono

    A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $30.”

  147. If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what?

    Attorney: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
    Witness: “By death.”
    Attorney: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
    Witness: “Guess.”

    Attorney: “Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
    Witness: “All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.”

  148. I work in a courthouse, so when I served jury duty, I knew most of the staff. As I sat with other prospective jurors listening to a woman drone on about how long the process was taking, a judge and two lawyers passed by, giving me a big hello. A minute later, a few maintenance workers did the same.

    That set off the malcontent: “Just how long have you been serving jury duty?”

  149. A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.”

  150. What Does DUMB Stand For?

    While serving jury duty, 
I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one 
point, he picked up a piece of 
evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see 
an acronym on this receipt. What 
would CAR stand for?”
    The defendant replied, “Car.”

  151. The Best Legal Advice Ever…

    …was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.”

  152. The Case of The Imaginary Dogs

    My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”

    The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”

    The case was dismissed.

  153. A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

    Judge: “Where do you work?”

    Defendant: “Here and there.”

    Judge: “What do you do for 
a living?”

    Defendant: “This and that.”

    Judge: “Take him away.”

    Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

    Judge: “Sooner or later.”

  154. The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

    “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

    “The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

    “What’s the good news?”

    “Your cholesterol is 130.”

  155. A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”
    The receptionist replies “I’m sorry but he died last week.”
    The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
    The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
    The guy says, “Because I just love hearing you say that.”

  156. A farmhand consulted a lawyer. He had long tended the late farmer’s cows, and believed they would his when the farmer died. Now the farmer’s son claimed ownership.
    “I’ll take your case,” said the lawyer, “Don’t worry about the cows.”
    The next day the farmer’s son came in. The cows were raised on his land, he said, they should be his.
    “I’ll take your case,” said the lawyer, “Don’t worry about the cows.”
    Later, his secretary asked, “How can the cows belong to both?”
    “Don’t worry about the cows,” the lawyer said. “The cows will be ours.”

  157. Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
    The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,” I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
    “No problem,” said the attorney, “I’ll get it for you.”
    While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and spat in it.
    When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
    Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
    “How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”

  158. A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”
    She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn’t matter to me.”
    The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”

  159. A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”
    She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn’t matter to me.”
    The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”

  160. NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
    The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
    The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
    The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
    “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
    The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

  161. The District Attorney was approaching the Suwanee River when he noticed a sign, “Caribbean Cruise–$99.00”. He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on the head, wrapped him in a rug and threw him in the river.
    The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river.
    The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State’s Attorney, “Do they serve drinks on this cruise?”
    The District Attorney replied, “They didn’t last year!”

  162. There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”
    St. Peter looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.”
    Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
    A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, “I’m sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.”
    This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year. In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”
    The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven’s denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
    Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn’t stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
    The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, “Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take us to find a lawyer?”

  163. A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
    The litigator responded, “I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
    The old farmer replied, “This is my property and you are not coming over here.”
    The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
    The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”
    The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”
    The Farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”
    The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck.”

  164. One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
    “Why are you eating grass?” he asked them.
    “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
    “Oh, come along with me then,” said the lawyer.
    “But sir, I have a wife with six children,” the second man answered.
    “Bring them as well.”
    They all climbed into the limousine – no easy task – and one of the poor fellows said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
    “No problem,” said the lawyer, “The grass in my yard is about two feet tall.”

  165. The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer,” he said. “How much for a quickie law degree?”
    “About $50,000,” the lawyer said, “But why bother?”
    “That’s my business. Get me the course.”
    Four days later the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near.
    “Please, before it’s too late,” said the lawyer, “Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?”
    As he breathed his last , the old man whispered, “One less lawyer.”
    “And God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.'”

  166. A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, “Have you ever been arrested?” He answered, “No.”
    The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, “Yes,” was “Why?” The lawyer answered it, “Never got caught.”

  167. It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting their lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat. Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to shit on. The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three.
    The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn’t seem all that bad.
    Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the row boat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. Tut. Thud. And it then rested on a tree branch.
    So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said, “We are impressed! Where do you learn to shit on people like that?”
    The little one said, “I may be a new hatch but I’ve got plenty of experience. In my former life I was a lawyer.

  168. A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmer’s house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.
    The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn,” so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It’s the Hindu and he says, “There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.”
    So the rabbi says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it’s the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
    So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It’s the pig and the cow.

  169. A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
    The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
    The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
    The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “How do you start a flood?”

  170. The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father’s firm.

    At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office and said, “Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”

    His father yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for ten years!”

  171. At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

  172. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasy creatures.

  173. A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

    “Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

    “The tombstone back there said… ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”

  174. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think you had died.”

  175. One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

    The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”

    The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

    The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”

  176. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

    A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

  177. A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 55.” “Fifty-five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re 82.” “How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, “We added up your time sheets.”

  178. In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. Researchers are at a loss to explain the results.

  179. A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of cigars.
    “The judge is an honorable man,” the horrified senior partner exclaimed. “If you do, I guarantee you’ll lose the case.”
    The judge eventually ruled in favor of the young lawyer’s client.
    “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked.
    “I did send them,” the young lawyer answered, “I just enclosed the opposition’s business card.”

  180. There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
    The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, ‘I’m a lawyer.'”
    So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
    She said, “Oh!!!! You’re a lawyer?”
    He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
    So they went to his place and when they were in bed, making love, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”

  181. The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
    The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, already.” The rear tiger says, “Sorry,” and they continue.
    After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, “I said stop it!.” The rear tiger says, “Sorry,” and they continue.
    After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”
    The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”

  182. An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”
    The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

  183. An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?”
    “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
    After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “It was easy,” said the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

  184. A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend’s car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What’s happened to your car?”
    “Well,” the friend responds, “I ran into a lawyer.”
    “OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?”
    “Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”

  185. A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

  186. A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
    Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
    “How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
    The cop replied, “Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
    “My God!” screamed the lawyer, “Where is my Rolex?”

  187. Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the three lawyers. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
    So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed lawyer. “Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

  188. A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
    The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
    He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
    After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
    The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

  189. A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
    “Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
    Poof! She’s gone.
    “Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.”
    Poof! He’s gone.
    “You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner.
    The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

  190. The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, “where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”
    The accountant doesn’t answer.
    The Godfather asks again, “where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?”
    The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”
    The Godfather says, “well, ask him where the @#!* money is.”
    The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is.
    The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
    The attorney interprets to the Godfather, ” He doesn’t know what you’re talking about ”
    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the hammer and says, “Ask him again where the @#!* money is!”
    The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”
    The accountant signs back, “Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”
    The Godfather says, “Well, what did he say?”
    The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

  191. One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
    “Oh, please excuse me!” said the ever-so-polite bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and couldn’t see.”
    “That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”
    “Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”
    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!” And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.
    Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but, by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?”
    And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy, and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”

  192. Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: “Justice prevailed.” The senior partner replied in haste: “Appeal immediately.”

  193. A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
    “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”
    The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!”

  194. A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked “How much is 2+2?”
    The housewife replies: “Four!”.
    The accountant says: “I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.”
    The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, “How much do you want it to be?”

  195. A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over the envelopes.
    His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
    “But why?” asks the man.
    “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

  196. A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: “How much for Engineer brain?”
    “3 dollars an ounce.”
    “How much for brain?”
    “4 dollars an ounce.”
    “How much for lawyer brain?”
    “100 dollars an ounce.”
    “Why is lawyer brain so much more?”
    “Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

  197. A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”
    Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
    “That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
    Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
    “Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?” Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”
    The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
    Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

  198. An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”
    Curious, the attorney asked, “What do you have there?”
    The drunk replied, “I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”
    The attorney responded, “Let me take a look.”
    So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?”
    The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”

  199. A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
    St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

  200. A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: “Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.”

  201. The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol’ St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time.)
    “Hot Dang”, the Pope says to himself, “If he’s getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!”. They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walk-up on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out “Hey Pete! What’s the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?”
    Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies,”Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We’re putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he’s the first lawyer to make it up here!!”

  202. Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. “Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.” “Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?” “Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”

  203. “You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
    “If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

  204. A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
    The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
    After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well have they got a verdict yet?”
    The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? Hell, they’re still doing nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!”

  205. A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
    “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
    “The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’

  206. The defendant who pleads their own case may have a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

  207. These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says “Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.” Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, “I still can’t tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.” So Harry yells down to the man “Hey, could you tell us where we are?”. And the man on the ground yells back “You’re in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air.” George turns to Harry and says “That man must be a lawyer.” And Harry says “How can you tell?”. George says “Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.”
    That’s the end of the joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry:
    They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: “Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer”

  208. For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to a exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! “Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
    “Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

  209. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

  210. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

  211. A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘Here lies an honest lawyer.'” “But that won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer. “Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s Strange!”

  212. At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.”

  213. A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that’s not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
    The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. “Whatdya do that for!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!”
    “Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”

  214. It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. “Dobbins,” he said, “What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice.”
    “Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?”
    “How would I know? You told the jury I wasn’t fit to be a doctor.”
    “I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don’t know what you’re saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?”
    “Your diagnosis is as good as mine.”
    “What are you talking about?”
    “When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine.”
    “Doc, I’m climbing the wall. Give me something.”
    “Let’s say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?”
    “I’ll sign a paper that I won’t sue.”
    “Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: ‘Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?’ Dr. Green: ‘I’ve treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.’
    Dobbins: ‘It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?’
    Green: ‘No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.’
    Dobbins: ‘You and your ilk make me sick.’ ”
    “Why are you reading that to me?”
    “Because, Dobbins, since the trial I’ve lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping …”
    “Please, Doc, I don’t want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol.”
    “You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I’ve changed my ways, Dobbins. I don’t prescribe drugs anymore.”
    “Then get me another doctor.”
    “There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I’m here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice.”
    “If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court.”
    “You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone.”
    “You can’t tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him.”
    “That’s what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the ‘Butcher of Operating Room 6′? That afternoon I said to my wife, “That man is going to be in a lot of pain.’ ”
    “Okay, Doc, you’ve had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?”
    “I better check you out first.”
    “Don’t check me out, just give the dope.”
    “But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn’t do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?”
    “What for?”
    “To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were.”
    “I’m not going to sue you.”
    “You say that now. But how can I be sure you won’t file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?”

  215. A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: “In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Russia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…” Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
    The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…”. Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
    At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it…

  216. A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”
    “Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
    Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

  217. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
    A2: You won’t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb…
    A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
    1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
    2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
    3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “Partnership.”

    **** 1300.01 GENERAL
    1. Any person with a valid Alaska state hunting license may harvest attorneys.
    2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
    3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
    4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
    5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash,” “ambulance,” or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
    6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
    7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
    8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
    9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
    10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
    11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
    A young lady goes to see a lawyer regarding a minor matter. After consultation, he notes the bill will be $100. She gives him a crisp $100 dollar bill and leaves. Sitting back, the lawyer gives the bill a flick and notices that the bill was so new and crisp it had another $100 dollar bill stuck to it. Now he was facing the age-old ethical dilemma, should he keep it himself or split it with his partner?

  219. A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church five miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
    Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he had missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUMP.” Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.” “That’s okay my son,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”

  220. Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
    The first said, ‘I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered.’
    The second said, ‘I think librarians are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.’
    The third said, ‘I like to operate on electricians; you open them up and everything inside is color-coded.’
    The fourth surgeon said, ‘I like Engineers…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…’
    The fifth one said, ‘I like to operate on lawyers; they’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.

  221. A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night the settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please promise to be gentle,…I am still a virgin.”
    This puzzled the groom, since after twelve marriages he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
    The bride responded…
    My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, “It’s gonna be great!”
    My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
    My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically “okay,” but he just couldn’t get the system up.
    My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, “Those who can… do; those who can’t… teach.”
    My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
    My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
    My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.
    My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
    My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, “I know I have the product, I’m just not sure how to position it!”
    My tenth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
    My eleventh husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
    My twelfth husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was philatelate. .. God I miss him!
    So now I have married a lawyer, I know I’m finally going to get screwed.

  222. Diogenes dusted off his lamp and set out once again, this time looking for an honest lawyer. After a few months of this, a friend asked him how he was doing. “Not too bad,” said Diogenes, “I still have my lamp.”

  223. A man shot her husband dead. A preacher who saw the shooting asked, “Woman, why did you shoot your husband?” “Because he was a lawyer and an evil man. He was going to move to Anchorage!” “Woman,” said the man of the cloth, “You cannot stop a lawyer from going to Anchorage by shooting him.”

  224. A minister died and to his chagrin found himself at the gates of Hell. The Devil greeted him, checked in his book and announced, “Yes, there is a place for you here,” and walked with the minister to his assigned place in hell. On the way, they passed a palatial suite, where the minister saw a crooked lawyer he had known, and the crooked lawyer was making love to a beautiful woman.
    The minister was troubled, but walked on with the devil. The devil ushered him into a tiny, cramped rocky cell. It was too much for the minister. “I admit I sinned when I was alive, but why am I sent to this cell for eternity when that crooked lawyer gets to spend eternity making love to a beautiful woman?”
    “Who are you,” said Satan, “to quarrel with that woman’s punishment?”

  225. The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
    A local volunteer called to solicit his donation, saying “our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn’t you like to give back to your community through The United Way?”
    The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: “First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?” Embarrassed, the United Way volunteer mumbles, “Uh, no.”
    “Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?” The stricken United Way volunteer begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
    “Thirdly, that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful traffic accident,” the lawyers voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?” The humiliated United Way volunteer, completely beaten, says simply, “I had no idea.”
    The lawyer then says “…and if I don’t give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?”

  226. “You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?” “Absolutely! What’s the second question?”
    A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: “Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.”
    The architect says: “Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than THAT!”
    The lawyer smiles and says: “Gentlemen, Gentlemen…who do you think created the CHAOS??!!”

  227. An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
    At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. “Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.”
    The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

  228. As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said” “Why are all the blinds drawn?” The doctor answered: “There’s a big fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”

  229. Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
    The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”
    “I don’t have to,” the first lawyer calmly replied. “I only have to outrun you.”

  230. A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor. “Sure; after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.

  231. At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window as though he hadn’t hear the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

  232. Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. “Damn,” he says. “I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.” His partner replies ” What are you worried about? We’re both here.”

  233. A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”
    A man at the front of the bar stands up and says, “Hey! I resent that!”
    So the first man asks, “Why, are you a lawyer?”
    “NO! I’m an asshole!”

  234. Saddam Hussein, a lawyer and a doctor were discussing whether or not they would donate, after death, their brains to science, and what sort of price they would ask for their estates, in return. The lawyer said that after his illustrious career in jurisprudence, he would ask for $100,000. The doctor said that, having saved thousands of lives with his skill, he would demand $200,000. Saddam insisted on at least a million dollars for his brain, because it had never been used

  235. A salesman stopped for gas at a very old general store. While he was paying for the gas and an orange soda, he spied a dusty brass pig high on a shelf. He asked the old man behind the counter if he could take a closer look at the pig, but the shop keeper said that wasn’t a good idea. The salesman pressed the issue, and finally the old man gave in and climbed a ladder to retrieve the brass pig.
    After dusting it off, the salesman took a liking to the object. He took a long time in convincing the old man that, no matter what, he wanted the pig. They settled on $20, and the salesman drove off with the brass pig propped on the dashboard.
    About two miles outside of town, he looked in his rear view mirror and noticed a pig trotting down the road behind him. He thought that this was a bit amusing, until another, and still another pig joined the first. As he drove, more and more pigs joined in and followed him. The faster he went, the faster they ran.
    The salesman sped on at nearly a hundred miles an hour and got a bit of a lead on the throng of pigs that were in hot pursuit. He began to realize that this was what the old man was trying to warn him about. He came to a bridge over a river deep in a gorge, stopped, rolled down his window, threw the brass pig over the side, and sped off.
    He was astonished as he saw the pigs in his rear view mirror. They got to the bridge, and stormed over the side, down to their deaths on the rocks far below.
    The salesman drove back to the bridge and peered over the edge at the pile of pulverized porcine pursuers that plummeted over the precipice. He got back in his car and headed back to the stop where he bought the pig only minutes earlier.
    The old man was expecting him, and already had the $20 bill in his hand. “I told you it was nothin’ but trouble. Want your money back?” he asked. “No” said the salesman. “I just wanted to know if you had any brass lawyers.”

  236. The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
    1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew it was guilty.
    2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
    3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
    4) Persecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
    And the list went on for quite awhile.
    The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, “Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life also.” St. Peter looks in his book and says,”Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?”
    The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.”
    St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”

  237. One day, a man is walking along the beach and comes across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubs it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appears. “For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,” says the genie.
    The man is ecstatic. “But there’s a catch,” the genie continues. “What catch?” asks the man, eyeing the genie suspiciously. The genie replies, “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you ask for.” “Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replies the elated man.
    “What is your first wish?” asks the genie. “Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!” POOF! A Ferrari appears in front of the man. “Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris,” says the genie. “What is your next wish?” “I could really use a million dollars,” replies the man, and POOF! One million dollars appears at his feet. “Now every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,” the genie reminds the man. “Well, that’s OK, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replies the man.
    “And what is your final wish?” asks the genie. The man thinks long and hard, and finally says, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

  238. The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all the plants and minerals conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

    The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

  239. An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver’s lawyer:

    Lawyer: “Mr. Smith, you’ve told us all about your injuries. But according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?”

    Smith: Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked at my horse. He said ‘Looks like he has a broken leg,’ and then he took out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing. I of course immediately said “I’m fine!”

  240. The funeral procession included two hearses and a man walking a dog. Several hundred people followed the man.
    Curious, a pedestrian approached the man. “The first hearse carries my ex-wife’s lawyer,” the man explained. “My dog bit him and he died two days later. The second hearse has a lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation. He met the same fate.”

    The pedestrian thought for a moment, then asked, “Could I borrow your dog.?”

    “Okay be me, but you’re going to have to wait your turn like these other people.”

  241. Judge Bean and Lawyer Bilgeworth were riding horses. They cam upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman’s noose dangling from a tree, solemnly waving in the breeze.

    “Bilgeworth,” said Judge Bean, “if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you’d be?”

    The lawyer looked at the noose. “Riding alone,” he said.

  242. The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. “Can I help you?” the madam asked.

    “I want Natalie,” the old man replied.

    “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…”

    “No, I must see Natalie.” Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

    The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts…it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

    When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

    The old man replied, “I’m from Philadelphia.”

    “Really?” replied Natalie. “I have family who lives there.”

    “Yes, I know,” said the old man. “Your father died, and I’m your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you.”

    Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

    “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”

    Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”

    The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”

  243. A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

    “Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

    The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

    The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?” Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

  244. An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
    prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

    The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?”

    The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate
    and the will. The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?”

    She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $400,000 in my savings account at the bank.”

    “Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $400,000 to be distributed?”

    The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to
    notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $350,000 for my funeral.”

    The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $350,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
    impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,” he continued, “what would you like to do with the remaining $50,000?”

    The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept
    with a man. Before I die, I’d like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.”

    “This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.” That
    evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $50,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

    She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.” The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.

    Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow! She’s going to
    let the County bury her!”

  245. A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

    Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand.”

    Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.

  246. A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. “Only a shilling?” said the Justice, “Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here’s a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.”

    “How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. “My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”

    A Lawyer and a wagon wheel must be well greased.

    – Sarte

  247. I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney.

    – Samuel Johnson (1709-84), English author, lexicographer.

  248. A fox may steal your hens, Sir,
    A whore your health and pence, Sir,
    Your daughter rob your chest, Sir,
    Your wife may steal your rest, Sir,
    A thief your goods and plate.
    But this is all but picking,
    With rest, pence, chest and chicken;
    It ever was decreed, Sir,
    If lawyer’s hand is fee’d, Sir,
    He steals your whole estate.

    – John Gay (1685-1732), English dramatist. Peachum, in The Beggar’s Opera, act 1, sc. 9, Air 11.

  249. Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.

    – David Mellor (b. 1949), British Conservative politician

  250. Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. — Montesquieu

  251. Lorenzo Dow, a 19th century evangelist, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter night. At the local general store he saw the town’s lawyers gathered around the potbellied stove.

    Dow told the men about a recent vision in which he had been given a tour of hell, much like the traveler in Dante’s Inferno. One of the lawyers asked what he had seen.

    “Very much what I see here,” Dow said. “All of the lawyers gathered in the hottest place.”

  252. Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

    – Winston Churchill

  253. The Penalty for laughing in court is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

    – H. L. Mencken

  254. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
    A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

  255. Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

  256. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
    A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

  257. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
    A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

  258. Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

  259. Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
    A: New Jersey got to pick first.

  260. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
    A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

  261. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
    A: I don’t know. There are some things even a blonde won’t do.

  262. Q: What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
    A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

  263. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
    A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.

  264. Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

  265. Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?
    A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

  266. Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
    A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

  267. Q: What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
    A: One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

  268. Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
    A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

  269. Q: What’ the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
    A: A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

  270. Q: What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
    A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

  271. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
    A: Your Honor.
    Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
    A: Senator.

  272. A lawyer and his two friends — a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man — had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, “There might be a problem, you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.” “No problem,” chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the desert for 40 years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.” With that he departed to the barn and the others went to bed for the night.

    Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door and there stood the Rabbi. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, “I am grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that it’s an unclean animal.”

    His Hindu friend agreed to trade places with him. But a few minutes later, there was another knock on the door. “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country, cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

    Leaving him with no choice, the lawyer went out to the barn, grumbling to himself and complaining. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood…

    The pig and the cow.

  273. A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, “I love my BMW, I love my BMW.” Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. “My BMW! My BMW!” he sobbed.

    A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, “Sir, sir, you’re bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!”

    The lawyer, horrified, screamed “My Rolex! My Rolex!”

  274. A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

    “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”

    The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers — we had $100 when we broke in!”

  275. The United Way realized that it had never received a
    donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way
    volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

    The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that
    even though your annual income is over two million dollars,
    you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give some
    thing back to your community through the United Way?’

    The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your
    research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful
    illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, ‘Uh… no, I
    didn’t know that.’

    ‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘ did it show that my brother, a
    disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to
    support his wife and six children?

    The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an
    apology, but is cut off again.

    ‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s
    husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
    and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has
    learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten,
    says, I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’

    And the lawyer says, ‘So… if I didn’t give any money
    to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?
    Two Lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the Lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on Lawyer number one jams something in Lawyer number two’s hand. Without looking down, Lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?” to which Lawyer number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

  276. “How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
    “My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”

  277. I thought the suggestion to hire a lawyer based off their experience was a good one. It states that you should ask a lawyer during an interview what type of experience they have so you can determine whether or not they are qualified to take on your case. I think another good way to go about doing this is to talk to people who have faced cases similar to your own and ask them for referrals of a good criminal defense attorney they would trust.

  278. An attentiongrabbing dialogue is worth comment. I believe that you must write extra on this subject, it won’t be a taboo topic but typically persons are not enough to speak on such topics. To the next. Cheers dcdfddcefaef

  279. I have recently started a site, the info you provide on this website has helped me tremendously. Thanks for all of your time & work. The achievements of an organization are the results of the combined effort of each individual. by Vince Lombardi.

  280. A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
    “Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.
    “Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $200 to answer three questions!”
    “Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”
    “Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”

  281. “You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”
    “Well, your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

  282. Even though it was noted that attorneys pay for SEO and can appear more favorably in search results, SEO for attorneys is costly and an attorney will results that are few and far between typically wont have the case load or reputation to continue to do professional SEO. Just a thought that attorneys who pay for professional legal seo are not honest or being deceptive, but more often promoting their already stellar and professional brand image.

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